Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
I needed this today! Brandon devised a new plan for A to earn money for Indiana Jones legos. He told A, 'I will give you $2.00 everyday you don't make your mom yell at you.' I laughed. I told A he better have a plan. It all started last Friday. He didn't have a plan. So I typed one up for him and made him sign it.
Saturday after we asked him to follow his plan, he says, 'The plan doesn't include Saturdays and Sundays!' Brandon was the one who yelled at him Saturday so he still got his $2.00 because I didn't do the yelling. He was doing really well Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. So he's got $8.00 now and today I thought...if he wants to be stubborn and defiant...let him. Two can play this game. I was controlling myself so well and for what? For him to be defiant and disrespectful again. I told him, 'Just because I'm not yelling at you doesn't mean you're making good choices. You will not get your $2.00 if you keep this up. I will get your $2.00.' He grunted at me. Then came the spanking...still no obedience...then I decided...yes, I decided, to also choose poorly. I yelled. So now who gets the money? Brandon.